I Drink 28 Glasses of Water a Day and Only Eat Seaweed and Sand: My Journey to The Perfect Beach Body

I know we are all supposed to be body positive now, and I for sure don’t want to make anyone feel like they need to change themselves to be accepted. With that being said, I will NOT apologize for wanting my body to be a beach.

It started at a young age. I would see my peers in their fashionable swimwear frolicking in the sand, making castles, and digging holes without a worry in the world. They were happy. But life for me was much more complicated. How does a child reconcile intense jealousy of a poorly built sand castle with a seagull feather in it?

Home was not much easier. My mother, a very kind, very sinewy woman, was always going on about her diet and exercise plan, trying desperately to obtain the “perfect beach body”.This ideal body type surrounded me; it was in all the magazines, on TV, and billboards. I couldn’t help but think, “my body isn’t like a beach at all, like not even close. I’ve got all these limbs and not a single expansive horizon”.

When I hit puberty, things only got worse. I JUST WANT A BEACH FOR A BODY, not my period!

By the time I graduated high school I knew I had to take things into my own hands. Many of my friends at the time were also dedicated to achieving the perfect beach body, but they were SO far off.

Sarah went to the gym everyday for two months and only ate grapefruit and I’ve never seen someone with less sand as themselves. Emily even had surgery, and she told everyone it was for medical purposes, but Sarah and I both knew it was for the beach body. I even considered getting the surgery myself before I saw her results. The girl was so much less overall and yet somehow, no more like a beach. My friends are delusional.

It was then that I started drinking 28 glasses of water. Everyone around me drinks water as well so no one really batted an eye at first. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO TRADE MY EYES FOR 2 SKIPPING STONES.

Then came the seaweed; also not too difficult. REPLACE MY HAIR WITH WET SMELLY GRASS.

And then, just like that, I started including sand to my diet. Spoons turned to shovels which turned to pails which turned to buckets,  until I had removed all other foods. Just tiny little rocks. Like pieces of salt with no flavour. Like literally eating sand.  

It’s been 3 weeks. And I feel about as hungry as I imagine a forever changing mass of water must feel. Plus it’s only May. I’m WAY ahead of the game this year.  Soon, my body will dissolve and I will be the best beach. I WILL BE SO HOT.  And everyone will be like "WE LOVE THE BEACH". And my mom will be happy with her genetics. And Sarah and Emily will piss themselves they’ll be so jealous. And the haters will say I did it in an unhealthy, drastic way. But I won’t hear any of it. Because I don't have ears, JUST SO MANY DEAD CRAYFISH.